Rebecca Lowrie, The Sexual Alchemist, shares how to improve your life and your sex life using ancient Toltec wisdom from the book, The Four Agreements.
One of the things I’m passionate about is that our sex lives don’t exist in a vacuum, they exist within the context of our lives. Sounds obvious, but I sometimes get clients who think that I can show them a magic way to have an amazing sex life without addressing other areas of their lives. I will be writing more on this in the coming months.
Today I want to share with you a fantastic book that I think helps guide us to live more easily in the world, thus helping us to have a better connection to ourselves and our partners. This in turn will lead to better life skills which translate directly to the bedroom.
The book is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I first read this book about the time it came out in 1997. I was thrilled at how simple and yet deeply transformative it was – and still is.
The Four Agreements are ancient Toltec principles. As you become aware of them, and start to integrate them into your life, you will no doubt notice profound transformation in yourself, your relationships and how you live your life.
Let’s take a closer look at them and how they might affect your life and your sex life too.
The Four Agreements
- Be impeccable with your word.
- Speak with integrity.
- Say only what you mean.
- Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.
- Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
The words we speak are potent and have more impact than most of us are ever taught. How we speak, the words we use and our intention behind them creates spells. Think about it – we literally ‘spell’ words and speaking them is like casting those spells.
Whether we’re talking to ourselves, our partners, our work colleagues or even on social media, our words are powerful.
Be aware of what you’re spelling/speaking. If you want to live an easier, happier, richer, more fulfilled, more intimate life, then speak words to that.
When speaking with partners and lovers, and especially with yourself, be mindful of what you say and how you say it. Be clear, true and honest. If you are angry, find a way to dispel some of the energy and emotion before you speak so that you can be clear and not say things you might regret later.
Be mindful of your words and how you use them. Notice how different you feel and how the people around you respond.
- Don’t take anything personally.
- Nothing others do is because of you.
- What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
- When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
This is absolutely crucial and can be difficult to remember.
Think of it this way, everyone you meet or come across has a history, a past, or even something that happened that morning, which often informs how they move through the world.
We are all a complex product of our ancestry, our childhood, our thoughts, habits and conditioning. It takes patience, practice and awareness to really implement this agreement into your life, and it is totally worth it!
Combined with the other agreements, this helps you to be more present and more clear in your relationships.
Did your partner say no when you wanted to be intimate? Please don’t take that personally. Yes, of course you need to review the situation and take responsibility for whatever you need to take responsibility for, but look deeper.
Is your partner particularly tired, stressed or preoccupied? Could you offer to listen to what’s going on for them instead?
If you do your best to not take what appears as rejection personally, you open up the possibility to see what is really going on and that is intimacy – which is ultimately what we all are seeking.
- Don’t make assumptions.
- Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.
- Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.
- With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Like the previous agreement, this is crucial to being clear in your life and relationships. Clarity allows us to see the bigger picture and to make informed choices.
Don’t assume that you know why your partner is feeling a certain way. Don’t assume that they will respond in a certain way. Treat each moment anew. Unless you’ve taken the time to find out, you don’t know what’s really going on.
Even when things look or seem obvious, give someone the benefit of the doubt. Explore deeper. Most of the time people are just focused on their own lives and their own problems and are not trying to trip you up or reject you.
It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, to share our deeper thoughts, feelings and desires. It takes time to build intimacy and trust. So don’t assume anything, be open to what is and see how that creates more understanding and ultimately more pleasure and intimacy in your relationships.
- Always do your best.
- Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.
- Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
When I first read this book and came across this particular agreement, I interpreted it to mean always push yourself hard. Obviously that is not at all what it means.
It’s much more simple than that. It just means, do your best in each moment, whatever ‘best’ is at that time.
Sometimes our best is outstanding and phenomenal. Sometimes our best is mediocre in comparison, but this is not about comparison. It’s about being true to yourself and the present moment.
What is your best right here, right now?
Anything less than your best in each moment is destructive. It can destroy confidence, patience and self-love for starters.
If you find yourself in a situation thinking, ‘Oh, I could have done better’, don’t kick yourself. Just allow yourself to notice, increase your awareness and then next time choose more carefully. Use your new awareness for conscious growth and expansion.
As I said before, these Four Agreements are simple and yet extremely powerful and potent. Together they are significant principles that will improve your life and therefore, your sex life too.
I’d recommend printing them out and putting them somewhere you can be reminded of them daily. Put them in your phone or wherever you will see them frequently.
Practice them daily and watch how your life and your relationships transform.
If you’re inspired and would like to book a Sexual Alchemy session, email me at email@example.com and tell me what you’re interested in. I look forward to hearing from you!
Rebecca specialises in men’s sexuality and works with individuals and couples to help them expand their ideas and experiences of sexuality. Using various forms of conscious sexuality, including tantra and conscious kink, Rebecca can help you transform your sexuality into something deliciously juicy, delightfully fun and ecstatically blissful!