Rebecca Lowrie explores the question, What do women and men really want in the bedroom and in relationships?
I recently put out a question on social media, asking people what was the single most challenging thing they were experiencing in their lives and in their sex lives.
I had a variety of responses, however one thing stood out. Both men and women were asking…
‘What do men and women want – both in the bedroom and in relationships?’
It’s a question many of my clients have asked me over the years so I want to take a closer look.
Over the last 10 years I’ve worked with thousands of men and women who were looking to improve their sex lives, learn more about themselves sexually or how to make intimacy better.
I’ve had the privilege and opportunity to hear first hand from many different people, from many different backgrounds and walks of life, what they are looking for in a lover and in a relationship.
However, before I share some of that information, there’s something else vitally important to consider.
Even more important than me telling you what someone else wants, it’s crucial that you first know what YOU want.
Before you wonder what someone else wants, do you know what you want?
- Do you know what you like in the bedroom?
- Do you know where and how you like to be touched?
- Do you know if you want to use sex toys or try something kinky or make love outdoors?
- Do you know what kind of relationship you want?
- Do you want something light and non-committal?
- Are you looking to settle down and perhaps start a family?
- Do you want to be with someone who likes to travel or makes you laugh or reads French poetry?
- Do you want to spend every minute together or only see each other 3 days a week?
Some of these things you might have explored in previous relationships and so already have a good idea of what you like and don’t like. Some things you might be waiting to try with the right person or at the right time. Great!
Once you have some ideas of what you like and don’t like and what you want and don’t want, the next thing to consider is
How do you share and discuss these things with your partner or lover?
Learning to communicate clearly, openly and honestly is crucial in any relationship – whether it’s a one-night stand, a long term relationship and even in your non romantic relationships. Remember, communicating well is just as much about being able to speak your truth as it is actively listening to what your partner has to say.
Knowing your own self, your own desires and needs and likes and dislikes is the first step. Being able to communicate them and also hear your partner’s is the second step.
That’s great, I hear you say, but I still want to know what women or men are looking for in the bedroom!
Here’s the thing about the ‘what do men or women want in bed or in a relationship’ question. It’s way too broad!
I don’t subscribe to the ‘men want this’ and ‘women want that’ camp. Saying that all men want X and all women want Y is outdated thinking. No two men are alike just as no two women are alike.
It’s much more important and fulfilling to take each person as they come, without preconceived ideas of what they might like according to their gender. Explore the unique landscape of their desires as you get to know them. Make no assumptions and you may find all sorts of treasure waiting for you!
That said, there ARE some general things that most people, regardless of gender, are looking for – both in the bedroom and in a relationship:
- Safety, trust and respect – Opening yourself up either in a sexual situation or in a relationship can feel very vulnerable. In order to do that, most people want to feel safe with their lover or partner. That includes emotional and mental safety as well as physical safety.
- Trust flows from this sense of safety. Without trust there is no deepening or growth in the relationship. Without that, a relationship will stagnate and fester.
- Respect is simply a way of looking after each other, of being careful with each other on all levels. Respect ultimately comes from within, so you must have self respect in order to respect others.
- Presence – Everyone wants to feel like their lover is fully there, in their bodies, in the room and in the moment with whatever is going on. No one wants to feel like their lover is thinking about business or what they’re going to have for dinner! Practice cultivating presence yourself and see how your life improves! [Click here to get your ‘Cultivating Presence For Intimacy And Pleasure’ audio mediation for FREE!]
- Connection – Do we ‘click’ with each other? Is there a natural attraction of some kind – besides just sexual? Do we flow easily together? Is there chemistry between us? Do we have enough similar interests?
- Intimacy – Ok, here’s a cheesy but true thing – intimacy is ‘in-to-me-see’. It is allowing yourself to be fully present, to be truly seen, warts and all. It is also allowing yourself to fully witness your partner, warts and all, in each new moment, with an open heart. It is the thing we all most desire and that we’re most afraid of. Ironically, we fear that we won’t be loveable when really we already are love itself!
- Pleasure – Whether in the bedroom or just generally in life, most people have an innate desire to experience pleasure. What that means to each person will of course be different. Get to know what brings you pleasure. There are big pleasures like going on holiday, seeing an old friend or fabulous sexy times with a lover. Pay just as much attention to the smaller pleasures – the taste of a single raspberry on your tongue, the breath of your lover on your neck or the warmth of a winter blanket.
Hot fudge sundaes
At a very basic level, everyone is looking for the same things in the bedroom and in a relationship.
Think of those things as the foundation, the vanilla ice cream base in a hot fudge sundae. On top of that you can sprinkle all the other delights that your heart and body desires – walks on the beach, spanking, kissing, dancing, cuddles – the hot fudge sauce and sprinkles that make your own unique and delicious Hot Fudge Sundae of sex and relationships!
The cherry on top is that as you get clearer about what you want to experience and have to offer, you will attract lovers and partners who like the same as well as bringing their own new flavours.
Be your full, true amazingly magnificent, creative self and that is what will attract your perfect lover or partner.
Rebecca specialises in men’s sexuality and works with individuals and couples to help them expand their ideas and experiences of sexuality. Using various forms of conscious sexuality, including tantra and conscious kink, Rebecca can help you transform your sexuality into something deliciously juicy, delightfully fun and ecstatically blissful!
If you’re inspired and would like to book a Sexual Alchemy session, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and tell me what you’re interested in. I look forward to hearing from you!