Feb 252016
 

Kindness and compassionRebecca Lowrie, The Sexual Alchemist, talks about how kindness and compassion can open your heart and bring back lost intimacy.

I recently had a client who told me that he and his wife had grown apart over the years and that for a long time he had noticed that he was feeling quite ‘hard-hearted’ towards her. Their intimacy had dried up, there was little to no affection any more and he wanted to find a way to turn things around.

After he told me a bit about their relationship, what he loved and what he missed, we discussed ways that he could start to create the relationship that he really wanted.

We talked about how important it was to not suddenly go back to his wife with demands or to even ask anything of her at all for now. The first thing he really needed to do was focus on himself, on his own heart that had hardened. Ultimately we can’t ever change anyone else, we can only work on ourselves.

In order for him to start to heal and melt his heart, he would need to take small, easy actions each day, that didn’t require his wife to respond in any particular way. We talked about the importance of kindness and compassion in relationships and how he could bring more of that to himself and to his wife.

We are often quick to criticise ourselves or our partners, without realising the impact that has. We expect the other person to be on our wavelength, to want what we want or to agree with us without taking a moment to see how their day has been or to have compassion for what’s going on for them in that moment.

Consciously adding acts of kindness and compassion to your day and to your relationship are simple, powerful ways to start to shift things when they get stuck or to add refreshing, loving energy to a stagnant or stale partnership.

What are some ways that you can bring more kindness to your partner’s day. How can you make their life a little bit easier? What pressures can you reduce or remove from their day? What is a simple, open-hearted action you could take to help ease your partner’s load?

 

Also, if you want to rekindle intimacy, don’t go straight for sexual intimacy. Take time to rebuild trust and affection. Sexual intimacy will be a natural result of renewed trust and connection.

As mentioned in the video, carefully and consciously offer some soft, heart-infused touch or affection without any expectation or requirement from your partner.

If you’re able to, I would always recommend talking things through with your partner. If they’re not open to that or you don’t quite feel able, slowly and gently find ways to let them know that you’d like to re-establish connection and intimacy, in ways that don’t force or require them to do anything.

They may take a little longer to get on board or to melt through the layers of disconnection that may have built up over the years. Remember to be kind and compassionate – with yourself and with your partner!


Rebecca Lowrie

Rebecca specialises in men’s sexuality and works with individuals and couples to help them expand their ideas and experiences of sexuality. Using various forms of conscious sexuality, including tantra and conscious kink, Rebecca can help you transform your sexuality into something deliciously juicy, delightfully fun and ecstatically blissful!

If you’re inspired and would like to book a Sexual Alchemy session, email Rebecca at rebecca@rebeccalowrie.com and tell me what you’re interested in. I look forward to hearing from you!

Feb 142016
 

What do women and men really want in the bedroom?Rebecca Lowrie explores the question, What do women and men really want in the bedroom and in relationships?

I recently put out a question on social media, asking people what was the single most challenging thing they were experiencing in their lives and in their sex lives.

I had a variety of responses, however one thing stood out. Both men and women were asking…

‘What do men and women want – both in the bedroom and in relationships?’

It’s a question many of my clients have asked me over the years so I want to take a closer look.

Over the last 10 years I’ve worked with thousands of men and women who were looking to improve their sex lives, learn more about themselves sexually or how to make intimacy better.

I’ve had the privilege and opportunity to hear first hand from many different people, from many different backgrounds and walks of life, what they are looking for in a lover and in a relationship.

However, before I share some of that information, there’s something else vitally important to consider.

Even more important than me telling you what someone else wants, it’s crucial that you first know what YOU want.

Before you wonder what someone else wants, do you know what you want?

  • Do you know what you like in the bedroom?
  • Do you know where and how you like to be touched?
  • Do you know if you want to use sex toys or try something kinky or make love outdoors?
  • Do you know what kind of relationship you want?
  • Do you want something light and non-committal?
  • Are you looking to settle down and perhaps start a family?
  • Do you want to be with someone who likes to travel or makes you laugh or reads French poetry?
  • Do you want to spend every minute together or only see each other 3 days a week?

Some of these things you might have explored in previous relationships and so already have a good idea of what you like and don’t like. Some things you might be waiting to try with the right person or at the right time. Great!

Once you have some ideas of what you like and don’t like and what you want and don’t want, the next thing to consider is

How do you share and discuss these things with your partner or lover?

Learning to communicate clearly, openly and honestly is crucial in any relationship – whether it’s a one-night stand, a long term relationship and even in your non romantic relationships. Remember, communicating well is just as much about being able to speak your truth as it is actively listening to what your partner has to say.

Knowing your own self, your own desires and needs and likes and dislikes is the first step. Being able to communicate them and also hear your partner’s is the second step.

That’s great, I hear you say, but I still want to know what women or men are looking for in the bedroom!

Here’s the thing about the ‘what do men or women want in bed or in a relationship’ question. It’s way too broad!

I don’t subscribe to the ‘men want this’ and ‘women want that’ camp. Saying that all men want X and all women want Y is outdated thinking. No two men are alike just as no two women are alike.

It’s much more important and fulfilling to take each person as they come, without preconceived ideas of what they might like according to their gender. Explore the unique landscape of their desires as you get to know them. Make no assumptions and you may find all sorts of treasure waiting for you!

That said, there ARE some general things that most people, regardless of gender, are looking for – both in the bedroom and in a relationship:

  • Safety, trust and respect – Opening yourself up either in a sexual situation or in a relationship can feel very vulnerable. In order to do that, most people want to feel safe with their lover or partner. That includes emotional and mental safety as well as physical safety.
  • Trust flows from this sense of safety. Without trust there is no deepening or growth in the relationship. Without that, a relationship will stagnate and fester.
  • Respect is simply a way of looking after each other, of being careful with each other on all levels. Respect ultimately comes from within, so you must have self respect in order to respect others.
  • Presence – Everyone wants to feel like their lover is fully there, in their bodies, in the room and in the moment with whatever is going on. No one wants to feel like their lover is thinking about business or what they’re going to have for dinner! Practice cultivating presence yourself and see how your life improves! [Click here to get your ‘Cultivating Presence For Intimacy And Pleasure’ audio mediation for FREE!]
  • Connection – Do we ‘click’ with each other? Is there a natural attraction of some kind – besides just sexual? Do we flow easily together? Is there chemistry between us? Do we have enough similar interests?
  • Intimacy – Ok, here’s a cheesy but true thing – intimacy is ‘in-to-me-see’. It is allowing yourself to be fully present, to be truly seen, warts and all. It is also allowing yourself to fully witness your partner, warts and all, in each new moment, with an open heart. It is the thing we all most desire and that we’re most afraid of.  Ironically, we fear that we won’t be loveable when really we already are love itself!
  • Pleasure – Whether in the bedroom or just generally in life, most people have an innate desire to experience pleasure. What that means to each person will of course be different. Get to know what brings you pleasure. There are big pleasures like going on holiday, seeing an old friend or fabulous sexy times with a lover. Pay just as much attention to the smaller pleasures – the taste of a single raspberry on your tongue, the breath of your lover on your neck or the warmth of a winter blanket.

Hot fudge sundaes

At a very basic level, everyone is looking for the same things in the bedroom and in a relationship.

Think of those things as the foundation, the vanilla ice cream base in a hot fudge sundae. On top of that you can sprinkle all the other delights that What do women want in the bedroom?your heart and body desires – walks on the beach, spanking, kissing, dancing, cuddles – the hot fudge sauce and sprinkles that make your own unique and delicious Hot Fudge Sundae of sex and relationships!

The cherry on top is that as you get clearer about what you want to experience and have to offer, you will attract lovers and partners who like the same as well as bringing their own new flavours.

Be your full, true amazingly magnificent, creative self and that is what will attract your perfect lover or partner.


 

Rebecca Lowrie, The Sexual AlchemistRebecca specialises in men’s sexuality and works with individuals and couples to help them expand their ideas and experiences of sexuality. Using various forms of conscious sexuality, including tantra and conscious kink, Rebecca can help you transform your sexuality into something deliciously juicy, delightfully fun and ecstatically blissful!

If you’re inspired and would like to book a Sexual Alchemy session, email me at rebecca@rebeccalowrie.com and tell me what you’re interested in. I look forward to hearing from you!

Feb 022016
 

Wisdom for your sex lifeRebecca Lowrie, The Sexual Alchemist, shares how to improve your life and your sex life using ancient Toltec wisdom from the book, The Four Agreements.

One of the things I’m passionate about is that our sex lives don’t exist in a vacuum, they exist within the context of our lives. Sounds obvious, but I sometimes get clients who think that I can show them a magic way to have an amazing sex life without addressing other areas of their lives. I will be writing more on this in the coming months.

Today I want to share with you a fantastic book that I think helps guide us to live more easily in the world, thus helping us to have a better connection to ourselves and our partners. This in turn will lead to better life skills which translate directly to the bedroom.

The book is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I first read this book about the time it came out in 1997. I was thrilled at how simple and yet deeply transformative it was – and still is.

wisdom for your sex life

The Four Agreements are ancient Toltec principles. As you become aware of them, and start to integrate them into your life, you will no doubt notice profound transformation in yourself, your relationships and how you live your life.

Let’s take a closer look at them and how they might affect your life and your sex life too.

The Four Agreements

  1. Be impeccable with your word.
  • Speak with integrity.
  • Say only what you mean.
  • Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.
  • Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

The words we speak are potent and have more impact than most of us are ever taught. How we speak, the words we use and our intention behind them creates spells. Think about it – we literally ‘spell’ words and speaking them is like casting those spells.

Whether we’re talking to ourselves, our partners, our work colleagues or even on social media, our words are powerful.

Be aware of what you’re spelling/speaking. If you want to live an easier, happier, richer, more fulfilled, more intimate life, then speak words to that.

When speaking with partners and lovers, and especially with yourself, be mindful of what you say and how you say it. Be clear, true and honest. If you are angry, find a way to dispel some of the energy and emotion before you speak so that you can be clear and not say things you might regret later.

Be mindful of your words and how you use them. Notice how different you feel and how the people around you respond.

  1. Don’t take anything personally.
  • Nothing others do is because of you.
  • What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.
  • When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

This is absolutely crucial and can be difficult to remember.

Think of it this way, everyone you meet or come across has a history, a past, or even something that happened that morning, which often informs how they move through the world.

We are all a complex product of our ancestry, our childhood, our thoughts, habits and conditioning. It takes patience, practice and awareness to really implement this agreement into your life, and it is totally worth it!

Combined with the other agreements, this helps you to be more present and more clear in your relationships.

Did your partner say no when you wanted to be intimate? Please don’t take that personally. Yes, of course you need to review the situation and take responsibility for whatever you need to take responsibility for, but look deeper.

Is your partner particularly tired, stressed or preoccupied? Could you offer to listen to what’s going on for them instead?

If you do your best to not take what appears as rejection personally, you open up the possibility to see what is really going on and that is intimacy – which is ultimately what we all are seeking.

  1. Don’t make assumptions.
  • Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.
  • Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.
  • With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Like the previous agreement, this is crucial to being clear in your life and relationships. Clarity allows us to see the bigger picture and to make informed choices.

Don’t assume that you know why your partner is feeling a certain way. Don’t assume that they will respond in a certain way. Treat each moment anew. Unless you’ve taken the time to find out, you don’t know what’s really going on.

Even when things look or seem obvious, give someone the benefit of the doubt. Explore deeper. Most of the time people are just focused on their own lives and their own problems and are not trying to trip you up or reject you.

It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, to share our deeper thoughts, feelings and desires. It takes time to build intimacy and trust. So don’t assume anything, be open to what is and see how that creates more understanding and ultimately more pleasure and intimacy in your relationships.

  1. Always do your best.
  • Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.
  • Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

When I first read this book and came across this particular agreement, I interpreted it to mean always push yourself hard. Obviously that is not at all what it means.

It’s much more simple than that. It just means, do your best in each moment, whatever ‘best’ is at that time.

Sometimes our best is outstanding and phenomenal. Sometimes our best is mediocre in comparison, but this is not about comparison. It’s about being true to yourself and the present moment.

What is your best right here, right now?

Anything less than your best in each moment is destructive. It can destroy confidence, patience and self-love for starters.

If you find yourself in a situation thinking, ‘Oh, I could have done better’, don’t kick yourself. Just allow yourself to notice, increase your awareness and then next time choose more carefully. Use your new awareness for conscious growth and expansion.

Conclusion

As I said before, these Four Agreements are simple and yet extremely powerful and potent. Together they are significant principles that will improve your life and therefore, your sex life too.

I’d recommend printing them out and putting them somewhere you can be reminded of them daily. Put them in your phone or wherever you will see them frequently.

Practice them daily and watch how your life and your relationships transform. 


If you’re inspired and would like to book a Sexual Alchemy session, email me at rebecca@rebeccalowrie.com and tell me what you’re interested in. I look forward to hearing from you!

Rebecca Lowrie, The Sexual AlchemistRebecca specialises in men’s sexuality and works with individuals and couples to help them expand their ideas and experiences of sexuality. Using various forms of conscious sexuality, including tantra and conscious kink, Rebecca can help you transform your sexuality into something deliciously juicy, delightfully fun and ecstatically blissful!