Rebecca Lowrie, The Sexual Alchemist, helps you transform your sex life by sharing her 8 essential tips for being a much better lover.
Almost every day I get emails from people, men in particular, asking me if I can help them be better lovers. Often they assume that means I will show them how to touch this or lick that. I could, and sometimes do teach them those things. However, there are some much more important things to being a fabulous lover. Here are my 8 essential tips for being a much better lover…
1. Get present! This is the ultimate secret to being an amazing lover. Even if you know all the ‘methods and techniques’ in the world, if you aren’t present in the experience, present in your touch, fully present in the moment, then you will be a mediocre lover and have unfulfilling, superficial sexual experiences.
Being present means not thinking about other things like work, what you have to do later or wondering if you are doing it ‘right’, and instead having all of your attention and awareness on what is happening in front of you. Being fully present means bringing all of yourself to the moment – the parts you love about yourself and the parts you could love a bit more. Being fully present means allowing someone to really see you. Being fully present can take time to practice and cultivate. Start practicing it now and watch your sex life transform.
2. Look into each other’s eyes. It’s absolutely true that the eyes are the windows to the soul. If you want your sexual experiences to be out of this world, deeply fulfilling and soul expanding then get fully present and look into your partner’s eyes. Allow them to really see all of you, while at the same time you are witnessing their full true self.
Open your heart and see them with unconditional love, and allow yourself to be fully seen. It requires deep trust and vulnerability, acceptance and love, which will sky rocket your sexual experiences into cosmic realms of pleasure and connection.
3. Cultivate good, clear communication. This is absolutely essential to being an amazing lover. Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking or that they know what you are thinking. Speak your truth, with love and care, and own your ‘stuff’. Learn to ask for what you want without expectation that your partner must fill your needs.
Share your sexual dreams and fantasies with each other. If you hold it in you may energetically shut a part of yourself off and that will decrease intimacy. Even if you aren’t in to each other’s fantasies, you will have learned something new about your partner. You will know them a bit better, and that will bring you closer together.
Develop good communication skills outside of the bedroom too. This keeps the air clear between you and strengthens trust which leads to better, more fulfilling sexual experiences.
4. Don’t be afraid to try new things. That might mean a new position, a new place, a sex toy or a fun fantasy. It could even mean going to a dance class, trying a kink workshop or taking singing lessons. At worst you’ll just figure out something you don’t like and you don’t have to repeat it. At best you’ll have a great time, increase intimacy and expand your sexual possibilities and experiences.
5. Play! Sex is different things at different times. Sometimes it is deeply emotional, healing and transformational. Sometimes it is wild, ecstatic and cosmic. Other times it is funny, silly and playful. Get out of your head and into your body. Don’t worry about what you look like or if you’re doing it right. Don’t try to control your beautiful orgasm face or the sounds that surge from your body as pleasure takes over. Let sex be fun! Have a playful attitude, relax and just enjoy connecting with your sexual self and your partner.
6. DO NOT try to impress or ‘perform’! ‘Sex is not something you do, it’s something you allow’. Sex and intimacy are about being fully present with your sexual self, allowing pleasure, being connected to your body, to your heart and sometimes to a partner and the whole cosmos. If you are trying to impress your lover or perform some act you’ve read about, chances are you aren’t being present.
7. Be yourself. Hiding your true self will never lead to actual intimacy. As one of my teachers used to say, ‘Intimacy is in-to-me-see’. Pretending to be something or someone you’re not will not lead to a fulfilling or positive sexual experience. Bring as much of your full true self as you can to each unfolding moment. That is where true intimacy is and ultimately it is intimacy that we are looking for in sex. Be yourself and the rest will flow naturally.
8. Cultivate self-love. It is vitally important that you are able to love yourself, accept yourself and care for yourself in order to be a great lover. Explore ways to nurture and nourish your soul and your sexual self.
If you aren’t filling up your own cup, as it were, then you are coming as an empty vessel to a relationship or connection, hoping that they will fill you up. Even if you do find someone who will do that for a time, it weakens your ability to do it for yourself and if they leave or change their mind you are in trouble.
Find out what sustains you, what makes you come alive and do lots of that. Be the person you’d love to have as a lover or partner. Bring your abundant, nourished and enlivened self to the bedroom and experience first hand how that makes you a fantastic, compassionate, hot and much better lover.
If you’d like to explore these 8 essential tips to being a much better lover, then email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know. I look forward to hearing from you!
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Rebecca works with individuals and couples to help them have better sex lives. Using various forms of conscious sexuality, including tantra and conscious kink, Rebecca can help you transform your sex life into something deliciously juicy, delightfully fun and ecstatically blissful!