Jul 282013

text sexGuest blogger and author Betty Herbert talks about the problem of losing consciousness in our relationships.

According to the Guardian, 68 % of British women (and 42% of men) check their mobile phones during sex.

So. Many. Questions. First up: are they doing this discreetly, hoping their partner doesn’t notice, or do both parties pause for a quick phone-break in the transition between positions?

And what on earth are they checking for? Are they worried the world might end if they don’t keep track of who Stephen Fry had lunch with today? Or are they actually supposed to be at work?

For me, it’s just the outward sign of one of the most common ailments for any long-term relationship: loss of consciousness. After the potent cocktail of lustful hormones dies down, it’s hard to keep engaging with our partners over and over again.

The problem is that the way we talk about sex often only covers the surface detail. We do it in this position or that, with this accessory or outfit. We make this noise or say that thing. This is the extent of our erotic education, fed to us from magazines (remember ‘Position of the Fortnight’?) and Hollywood movies.

When I embarked on my mission to put the desire back into my marriage (for The 52 Seductions), I thought that the route back to lust would probably lie in finding the right underwear and learning a few new positions. I was totally wrong.

Over our year of seductions, I learned that the quality of my knickers was actually fairly irrelevant to the depth of the experience. What mattered was the quality of contact and engagement between us, and our ability to put everything else aside for a short while and focus on each other.

The truth is that most people will have to fight for that. It doesn’t come naturally to everybody. And if you turn to most sex manuals, it seems to me that you’ll be taught to just fake the outward signs of sex, rather than to learn to pay attention to your body and your lover’s, and to be led by your own sensations.

Sex in long term relationships is about more than dragging your sorry ass into the bedroom to do your monthly duty, snatching a quick glance at your phone while your partner goes down. Or at least it could be, if only we’d change the conversation we have about sex.

Betty Herbert 2011Betty Herbert is a blogger at BettyHerbert.com and the author of The 52 Seductions. She only tweets from outside the bedroom.


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 consciousness  Comments Off on Guest Post: Losing Consciousness
Jul 212013

IMG_3084 Rebecca Lowrie, The Sexual Alchemist, wants to know what’s on your sexual bucket list and offers you a few suggestions too!

A bucket list, if you’ve never heard of one before, is a list of things you’d like to do, experience or achieve before you ‘kick the bucket’. People make these lists as encouragement to live their lives to the fullest, to have something to aim for, to look forward to. A bucket list can include anything you want. Imagine exhilarating things such as riding in hot air balloon, running a marathon or swimming with dolphins as well as calmer things like learning to knit, singing in public or being on telly.

That’s all very exciting, but what about a sexual bucket list? What sexual things would you like to try? Are there things you’re interested in but are afraid to try them? What if money was no problem and you could add everything and anything to the list that you’re really interested in?

I’d like to encourage you to start a list of things that you know you’d like to try and keep adding to it every time you think of something new. Be creative, let your imagination run wild and see what you come up with. You might surprise yourself! Eventually, you might even start to cross some of them off! Here are some ideas to get you started:

Have sex in at least 3 different countries

Have a threesome

Take nude photos of your lover (or yourself) in a public place

Explore tantra and conscious sexuality

Snog a total stranger

Make love under the stars on an exotic beach

Write, direct and star in your own porn film

Explore your dominant or submissive side – or both!

Try anal sex toys

Learn Shibari

For one day, flirt outrageously without worrying what anyone else thinks

Learn the art of striptease

Once you start thinking about it, there are probably tons of things you’d like to try. If you’re feeling really courageous, share your list with friends or lovers and see what sorts of things they’d put on their sexual bucket list. I’d love to hear what’s on your lists too, so do get in touch and tell me all about it.


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If you’d like to book a session or find out more, please email me at rebecca@sexualalchemy.com and tell me what you’d like to explore or learn. I look forward to hearing from you!

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RebeccaLowrieRebecca Lowrie works with individuals and couples to help them have better sex lives. Using various forms of conscious sexuality, including tantra and conscious kink, Rebecca can help you transform your sex life into something deliciously juicy, delightfully fun and ecstatically blissful!